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please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. as jon stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. its informants are not journalists. and its opinions are not fully thought through. june 21. here listen, we’re closing down for a month but gal’s radio shows will continue every tuesday, with brand new episodes of rancid sounds, sounds of glory, and highway to hell. the first highway, or as we prefer to call it, lost in the echo chamber, is running again right now on spreaker. hear it here . while we’re away various folk associated with this blog will be up to no good. effete el will be in eire with the irish equivalents of the jolly pranksters, the sligo scamps... emissaries from john king’s punks for brexit will be meeting like-minded rebels in greece and portugal... and clyde ward will be “pretty tied up” with the punk panto auditions... more news in july old beans. cheerio! june 20. exciting news! clyde ward is working on an x-rated gonads xmas pantomime. here are two of the hopefuls at today’s exhausting audition session. we’re hoping the panto will be called punkerella but clyde seems to have his heart set on piss in boots... the 2-tone forever festival takes place at garon park, southend-on-sea on saturday 21st july with the selecter, the beat, the great neville staple and the skatalites. tickets cost 30sovs + booking fee. fat col was spotted in charlton village today wearing a pair of bicycle clips on his strides. the oaf told effete el: “i can’t be ‘up-trousered’ in a pair of steel ankle bands, can i?!?” now the plumstead pussy posse are on his tail, it seems that col is taking no chances. el tells us that he is also wearing “a high security carrera chastity belt so if they do get his strides off they’ll need the key to get their money shot”. being pursued by feisty women is entirely new to him “and not entirely un-arousing,” said el, who added: “col told me he was avoiding the posse by drinking all day in the white swan and the newbridge... and not to let anyone know, except for the blog, and the women.” our racing correspondent paul “stalin” hallam sends this winning slip from epsom downs. he placed his bet as ever with honest alan bushell “a name you can trust”. quite right too! june 19. oh dear. martin sporrell (aggressive gooner) has “smashed the granny” out of our new blog hot-line after just one day. he tells us “as soon as that poxy number went live, people started leaving abusive messages. poor fit-bird was in a terrible two-and-eight. i just weren’t ’aving it.” apparently the first five calls were from angry women who described themselves as the “plumstead pussy posse” and left a tirade of insults and colourful invective aimed at fat col. one message included a threat to kidnap him, dress him up in scottish garb and “up-kilt” him in revenge for his crimes against wattsie. “it would have been a horrendous sight,” said sporrell. “like a cocktail sausage resting on two crab apples. who wants to see that?” the sixth call was anonymous. it started “you idiots!” (so it could have been anyone – ed). the furious male caller went on to chastise the blog for praising dirty rob and dan dan the market man for their stand-up performances at the last pranksters weekender. “they were the side-show,” the man stormed. “the real star was the magician muthutung, an indian fakir who learnt his trade at the feet of the great sorcar. as well as the rope trick, muthutung levitated the pm six feet into the air and then chewed hot coals like bread.” angrily the mystery complainant concluded: “he was incredible but you dolts will never see him because you will never be admitted into the ranks of our brotherhood all the while i am senior warden... oops, what a give-away...” (the jp senior warden is believed to be code-named ‘vauxhall cross’ because of his senior rank in a certain organisation based on the albert embankment. we have said too much already). june 18. this is exciting. lord waistrel has just installed a blog hot-line. you can ring 07516 844447 and leave your news or views to be instantly uploaded onto these pages. “it’s the future,” said martin sporrell (aggressive gooner). “give us a bell an’ tell us what you think. like colin morgan, we’re all ears.” this has gone down well with fit-bird who praised the move saying: “ffs! more bleedin’ work for me! ain’t i suffered enough?” rebellion have released the full line up for each day of the blackpool festival, including stages and stage times. bands include buzzcocks, the macc lads, slf, the professionals, public image ltd, the anti-nowhere league, the queers, chaos 8, dirt box disco, the exploited, slaughter, discharge, hands off gretel, jaya the cat, lagwagon, peter hook & the light, ramonas, ruts dc (no kidding – ed), svetlanas, discharge, uk subs and the vandals. out now: one man's madness - a feature length ‘mocku-rocku-documentary’ telling the story of madness sax player lee 'kix' thompson as told by lee, his band mates, family, friends & musicologists (who strangely all look a little like him...) june 17. fat col comes on the phone, all remorseful. naturally it’s an act. “i feel guilty about the wattsie up-skirt pic,” he says. “and i promise never to do it again. but i just wondered if you could let me know if this picture i took in blackpool counts as an ‘up-skirt’ as it’s very clearly side on.” damn pervert. conned us again! rip nick knox, the cramps drummer died friday aged 60. nick, real name nicholas stephanoff, played in the electric eels before joining the psychobilly legends in 1977. cause of death has not yet been revealed. exciting! hollywood film-maker mars roberge is currently editing the teaser for get your gonads usa. miles, who directed scumbag, tells us “it’s great stuff, cool tunes! but where’s wattsie?” shush! sore point. in other news, madball have posted a vid for new song ‘the fog’ which features tim armstrong from rancid. it’s from their new album for the cause. it’s oi the scooter! this superb customised beauty was seen at yesterday’s scooter fest in blackpool. hundreds of scooterists descended for a custom show, live bands and traders. there was one known arrest as we go to press. a mr c. gannon of plumstead was nicked after asking a passing hen party if they wanted to “ride the big one”. he has been charged with false advertising. june 16. why did obnoxious tory mp christopher chope block a bill which would have made “upskirt” pictures a criminal offence? word is he is an associate of fat col who doesn’t want to be nicked for this filthy betrayal of shona wattsie watts... which revolts us so much we re-publish here to condemn the oaf in the eyes of all right-thinking people. we have received the following missive from john king regarding the guinness/fish-gut controversy. apparently this only applies to canned guinness. he writes: ‘dear editor, i only drink draught guinness, which is vegan. please clarify for your reader. thank you. jk herbert esq’. so up yours col, he doesn’t add. out now: tim armstrong’s a poet’s life is available again on vinyl with a gatefold cover from hellcat records... the filaments’ new look to the skies lp has been released by pirates press on colour vinyl... and after notching up 10million youtube views booze & glory’s ‘london skinhead crew’ has been re-issued as a claret and blue 12inch. in future noos. three more saxon classic albums will be re-released next month: innocence is no excuse, rock the nations and destiny. film director sally ‘champagne’ clack wants gal and wattsie watts to star in her next film. effete el whispers: “it seems she feels her gatwick gangsters has not completely killed off their acting careers and she clearly wants to drive the stake in further.” meanwhile in fantasy news fat col has said he will also be on for a part but only on condition that he has “a bedroom scene with wattsie which starts with her in a cat-suit a

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